Here’s a news story I pulled of the archives at The Onion News.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Citing “something vaguely effeminate” about his eight-month-old son Michael, first-time father Joe Oebrick, 32, reported Tuesday that he suspects the infant may be a homosexual.

“I love my son,” Oebrick said. “But, you understand, I’m worried, too.”

Among the many “small signs” that suggest that his son may be gay, Oebrick cited a home video in which the toddler crawls across the living-room carpet of the family’s suburban Scottsdale home, wiggling his hips from side to side.

“I don’t think it’s normal for a baby to move like that,” said Oebrick, wincing as the infant paused and flapped an arm in the air. “Don’t you think that’s a little strange?”

According to Oebrick, Michael has an excessive fondness for bright colors and “things that sparkle.”

“Sequins, glitter, feathers,” said the recent father, listing some of the things that Michael likes. “And he really likes flowers.”

…read the full article.

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Tags: Gay Baby
Categories: News
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Another great news story from our friends at the Onion.

TARRYTOWN, NY—Although he’s had nearly three months to meet people, local baby Joshua Goldsworthy hasn’t made a single friend, according to those who know him.

People who have met the quiet, stay-at-home misfit say that, while he’s more interesting than he was two months ago, Joshua lacks the warmth, charisma, and empathy of a suitable companion.

“It’s not like I hate him—I just don’t get a lot out of knowing him,” said 32-year-old Gretchen Sperber, a longtime friend of the Goldsworthy family. “He’s hard to read. Sometimes he’ll stare at you for hours, other times he’ll fall asleep right in front of you, like you’re not even there.”

Visitors to the Goldsworthy home often report having negative first impressions of Joshua. Out-of-the-blue crying fits, the tendency to yank at loose hair and earrings, and copious drooling are just a few of the antisocial traits he displays. Neighbor Lena Osterberg said that, two weeks ago, she cut a visit to the Goldsworthy home short after the self-interested infant committed a “gross” indiscretion.

“I still can’t imagine why he didn’t excuse himself and crawl into another room,” Osterberg said. “The stench filled the living room, and he just sat there and grinned.”

…Keep reading the article.

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Tags: Friends,The Onion
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The Onion News Network is reporting on a new shampoo being introduced by Johnson & Johnson, that is basically designed to toughen your wimpy kid up.

A radical departure for the health goods manufacturer, the new shampoo features an all-alcohol-based formula, has never once been approved by leading dermatologists, and is as gentle on a baby’s skin as “having to grow up and fend for your goddamn self.”

“We at Johnson & Johnson have been making bath time a safe and soothing experience for far too long,” company CEO William C. Weldon said. “Years of pampering have left our newborns helpless, feeble, and ill-equipped for the arduous road ahead.”

“It’s time our children got the wake-up call that’s been coming to them,” Weldon continued. “It’s time they cried their precious little eyes out.”…

“You’ll notice a difference after just one use,” said Michelle Baker, head of new product development. “Whether it’s your newborn’s more hardened appearance, the way he now approaches people with guarded skepticism, or just that look on his face that says, ‘Oh wait, maybe life isn’t all hugs and kisses and rainbows. Maybe I need to get my fucking act together.’”

You can continue to read the full report here.

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